
Entered, accerdtaig to Act of Congress, in the year isn, by Geokok M. Bakbb, in Om Offic« of the 
LiDrarioK of Congre8<, at Wasliiutrtun. 



* spenceh's universal stage. 

A Collection of COMEDIES, DRAMAS, and FARCES, adapted to either Public 

or Private Performance. Containing a full description of all 

the necessary Stage Business. 

PRICE, in CENTS EACH. ^^^ No riays exchanged. 



I; 



h 



(i) 



(; 10. 



C) IX 



h 



1. LiOst iu I^ondoii. A Drama in 

Tliiee Acts. (1 .Mule, 4 Femah? char- 
acters. 

2. IVicholas Flam. A Comedy in Two 

Acts, liy J. 1>. liuckstone. i^ Male, 
3 Female characters. 

3. Tlie "Welsh dfirl. A Comedy in 

One Act. By Mrs. Planche. 3 Male, 
2 Female characters. 

4. Jolin Wopps. A Farce in One Act. 

By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 2 P'.male 
characters. 

5. The Tnrkisli Bath. A Farce in 

One Act. By 3Iouta^ue Williams 
and F. C. Burnaud. (5 jVIale, i P'e- 
male character. 

6. The Two Puclclifoots. A Farce 

iu One Act. By .1. 31 .Morton. 3 
JIale, 3 Female characters. 

7. Old Honesty. A Comic Drama in 

Two Acts. By J. 31. Morton. 5 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

8. Tavo Gentlemen in a Fix. A 

Farce in One Act. liy W. E. Suter, 

2 Male characters. 

9. Smashington Cioit. A Farce in 

(^)ne Act. "By T. J. Williams, 5 Male, 

3 Female characters. 
Tvro Heads Retter thanOne. A 

J\irce in ( )ne Act. B>y Lenox Home. 

4 Mule, 1 Female character. 

John l»ohbs. A Farce in One Act. 
B\ J. 31 . 3Iorton. 5 3Ial<!. 2 Female 
characters. 

The I>anjs^hter of the Regi- 
ment. A" Drama in Two Acts. By 
Edward Fitzball. (i 3Iale, 2 Female 
characters. 

Annt <'harlotte'.s Maid. A Farce 
in One .\ct. By J. M. 3Iortou. 3 
31 ale, 3 female characters. 

Brother Bill and Me. A Farce in 
One Act. By W. E. Suter. 4 Male, 
3 Female cliaracters. 

Bone on Both .Sides. A Farce in 
One Act. By .1. 31. 3Iortou. 3 
3Ialp. 2 Female chamcti rs. 

BundnekettyVs Picnic. A Farce 
in One Act. I'.y T. .1. Willinms. G 
3Iale, ."• Female characiers. 

I've -written to Broivne. .\ Farce 
in One Act. By T. . I. Williams, i 
3Ialt , :; Female characters. 



11 



17. 



T..endinis^ a Hand. A Farce in One 

Act. By G. A. A'Becket. 3 Malo, 

2 I' emalc characters. 
My Precion.s Betsey. A Farce in 

One Act. By J. 31. Morton. 4 31 ale, 

4 Female characters. 



20, 



25 



My Tnrn Next. A Farce in One Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 4 31ale, 3 Fe- 
male characters. 

IVine Points of the Lawr. A Com- 
edy in One Act. By Tom Taylor. 
4 3Iale, 3 Female characters. 

The Phantom Breakfast. A 
Farce in Our Act. By Charles Sel- 
by. 3 3Iale, 2 Female characters. 

Bandelions Bodges. A Farce in 
One Aci. By T. J. Williams. 4 
31 ale, 2 P"'emale characters. 

A Slice of I..uck. A Farce in One 
Act. By J. 31. 3rorton. 4 3Iule, 2 
Female characters. 

Always Intended. A Comedy in 
One Act. By Horace Wigan. 3 
3Iale. 3 P'emale characters. 

A Bnll in a China Shop. A Com- 
edy in Two Acts. By Charles Slat- 
thews. 6 31 ale, 4 Female characiers. 

Another C^lass. A Drama in One 
Act. By Thomas 3Iorton. 6 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

Bo-wled Out, A Farce in One Act. 
By H . T. Craven. 4 Male, 3 Female 
cliaracters. 

Cousin Tom. A Commedietta in 
One Act. By George Koberts. 3 
3Iale, 2 Female characters. 
.30. Sarah's Young Man. A Farce in 
One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

31. Hit Him, He has IVo Friends. 

A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates 
and N. H. Harrington. 7 3Iale, 3 
Female characters. 

32. The Christening. A Farce in One 

Act. By J. B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 
6 Female characters. 
A Race for a Widow. A Farce 
in One Act. By Thomas J. Wil- 
liams. 3Iale. 4 Fenude characters. 
Tour Ijife's in I>anger. A Farce 
in One Act. By J. 31. 3Iorton. 3 
Blale, 3 Female characters. 
35. True unto Beath. A Drama in 
Two Acts. By .J. Sheridan Knowles. 
Male, 2 Female characters. 



28. 



20. 



33. 



34. 



j^ ' '#4J ' ^i>!^ ' G ' ^@u^iiL^L>COC^OC€QuOQ£'CC^ 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 



o 



A FARCE. 



BY THE AUTHOR OF 



'Thirty Minutes for Eefreshments," "Sylvia's Soldier," "Once on a Time," " Doira bj tb« 8e»," 

"Bread on the Waters," "The Last Loat" "Stand by the Flag," "The Tempter," "AOnp 

too Much." "We're All Teetotallers," "A Little More Cider," "Wanted, a Mal« 

Cook," "A Sea of Troubles," "Freedom of the Press," "A Close Shave," 

»"The Great Elixir," " The Man with the Demijohn," "New Brooms Sweep 

Clean," "Humors of the Strike," "My Uncle, the Captain," "The 

Greatest Plague in Life," "No Cure, No Pay," "The Grecian 

Bend," " The War of the Roses," " Lightheart's Pilgrimage," 

" The Sculptor's Triumph," " Too Late for the Train," 

" Snow-Bound." " The Peddler of Very Nice," 

s," Capuletta," "An Original 

Idea," &o., See., &o. 



A 



%s^' ■ ,/ 



BOSTON: 
LEE AND SHEPARD, 149 WASHINGTON ST. 

CHARLES H. SPENCER, 2 HAMILTON PLACE. 



X 



.<^\ 



\ 






Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1871, 

Br GEORGE M. BAKER, 

In the Ofllce of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 



Stereotyped at the Boston Stereot]rpe Fonndij, 
No. 19 Spring 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 



CHARACTERS. 

Mr. Clapboard, Proprietor of "Bachelors' Paradise." 

Ebenezer Crotchet, a retired manufacturer. 

Horace Crotchkt, his son. 

Peter Picket, a soldier. 

Obed Oakum, a sailor. 

Timothy Tinpan, a tinker. 

Louis Loopstitch, a tailor. 



COSTUMES. 

Clapboard, gray wig, brown coat, dark pants. 

Ebenezer, gray wig, blue coat with brass buttons, dark pants, 
hat, and cane. 

Horace, modern suit, neat and tasty. ' 

Peter, United States army overcoat, fatigue cap, red wig, red 
side whiskers. 

Obed, light Yankee wig, pea-jacket, tarpaulin hat, wide sailor 
trousers, blue shirt. 

Timothy, black crop wig, smutty face^^ overalls, and woollen 
jacket. 

Louis, tight black pants, with short legs, slippers, white stock- 
ings, black coat, with short arms, buttoned to the throat, black 
cravat, without collar. 

Scene. — Apartment in Mr. Clapboard's home. Lounge 
C, hach. Black velvet hreakfast-jachet and smoking-cap 
lying across the corner. Small table, r. Chairs, E. 
and L. Entrances, e. and l. 

3 



4 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

£nier Mr. Clapboard, r., followed by Ebenezer 
Crotchet. 

Clapboard. This is the room, sir. 

Ebenezer. O, it is ! This is the mysterious abode of 
my ruuaway son. Well, I dou't see anything very invit- 
ing here ; a few miserable chairs, a rickety lounge, a 
mean little table — . 

Clap. Come, come, sir ; don't abuse my furniture. 

Eben-. O, pooh, pooh ! What business have you har- 
boring a runaway scamp who ought to be at home, you 
old, gray-headed ruffian? 

Clap. Come, come, sir ; once for all, I won't be 
abused in my own house. If your son chooses to hire a 
room in my house, to pay handsomely for the same, and 
to behave himself in a gentlemanly manner, here he stops 
just as long as he pays, you old heathen. 

Eben. Old heathen ! Confound you, do you know 
who you are talking to, Mr. Claptrap? 

Clap. Clapboard, sir ; Clapboard is my name. 

Eben. Do yoai know who you are talking to? 

Clap. I've a pretty good idea. Some fiery old lunatic 
just escaped from Bedlam. 

Eben. Fire and fury ! I'll break this cane over your 
head, insolent ! ' 

Clap. Do ; and then I'll throw you and the pieces 
down those stairs, catamount ! 

Eben. (Aside.). O, this won't do. (Aloud.) I beg 
your pardon, Mr. Claptrap. 

Clap. Clapboard, sir. 

Eben. Mr. Clapboard, I was a little hasty. You 
must attribute it to the anxiety of a devoted parent. I 
Lave a son. 



I 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 5 

Clajy. So I understaud. 

Ehen. A week ago he left the parental mansion, for 
the purpose, as he said, of recruiting himself at a quiet 
place in the country. All very well, of course. I could 
bring nothing to say against that ; but yesterday I re- 
ceived an anonymous note, mailed at this place, bidding 
me look out for my son, who, the note said, had formed 
a tender attachment. Do you hear ? — a tender attach- 
ment ! 

Claj). Well, what of it? 

Ehen. What of it? Hear the man! Sir! Mr, 
Claptrap ! 

Clap. Clapboard, sir. 

Eheyi. Mr. Clapboard. Ten years ago I retired from 
the soap and candle business with a fortune. This boy 
is my only son ; young, impulsive, thoughtless, he has 
come to the country ; his susceptible heart is a target, at 
which a thousand loving glances will be thrown by the 
eyes of rural beauties — 

Clap. Humbug ! There isn't a female within three 
miles of the place. This is called " Bachelors' Para- 
dise." There's Jobson's house, Seymour's, and mine ; 
specially erected for the convenience of artists, fishermen, 
and such like gentry, who want a quief place in the 
country. 

Ehen. Is it possible ! Then my son's tender attach- 
ment — 

Clap. It's some trick played to frighten you. 
Ehen. Perhaps it is, but I have my doubts. Who 
lodges in this house besides my son ? 

Cla-p. Well, sir, on the floor below, there's Mr, Tim- 
othy Tinpan^ a nice, gentlemanly — tinker. 



6 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

Ehen, A tiuker? — (Aside,) Bachelors' Paradise ! 
(Aloud.) Gentlemanly humbug ! Who else ? 

Clap. The next floor above is occupied by Mr. Peter 
Picket, a military gentleman, who served his country in 
the great rebellion. 

Ehen. A soldier ! (Noise outside.) What's that? 

Clap. That's him. He's always going through his 
tactics. He dropped his gun. 

Ehen. Did he ! Then Mr. Peter Picket had better 
pick it up. Well, who else? 

. Clap. Next above him is Mr. Oakum, a well-mau- 
.nered mariner, engaged in the lumber trade. 

Ehen. Is that all ? 

Clap. No, sir ; the floor above him, next the roof, is 
occupied by Mr. Loopstitch, a taUor, a native of France. 

Ehen. Soldier, sailor, tinker, and tailor ! Here's nice 
company for my boy. 

Clap. O, they're a nice, gentlemanly set, I assure 
you ; very quiet. Mr. Picket is apt to be a little rest- 
less nights ; walks in his sleep ; and sometimes wanders 
about the house with a loaded musket. Mr. Oakum is 
of rather a musical turn, and has his " bark upon the 
sea " a little too often. Mr. Tinpan is very fond of re- 
hearsing his war-cry, " Old kettles to mend ; " and Mr. 
Loopstitch is making frantic efforts to master the trom- 
bone. But generally they are quiet, gentlemanly, re- 
spectable individuals. 

Ehen. I should say so. And my son abandons his 
luxurious home, his highly respectable connections, for 
such society as this ? 

Clap. Lord bless you, young gentlemen have their 
little freaks, you know. 



I 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 7 

Ehen. And so have old gentlemen too. I have a very 
sudden one myself. For how long has my son engaged 
this room? 

Glajp. Let me see ; he has paid me for it up to six 
o'clock to-night. 

Ehen, And after that I suppose it will be to let. 

Glajp. Of course. Though probably he'll keep it him- 
self. 

Ehen. Hark you, Mr. Claptrap. 

Clap. Clapboard, sir. 

Ehen. Mr. Clapboard, I want to hire this room my- 
self. What does my son pay you ? 

Clap. Six dollars a week. Cheap enough. 

Ehen. All right. I'll engage it for a week myself, for 
which I will pay you twelve. 

Clap. But, sir, he has the first choice. 

Ehen. No, he hasn't ; he's not of age. I am his 
guardian, and I want it myself ; so here's your money. 
At six o'clock I shall come and take possession. 

Clap. But, Mr. Crotchet — 

Ehen. No more words are necessary. You keep a 
house for the entertainment of gentlemen who wish a 
quiet place in the country. You certainly cannot refuse 
so handsome an offer as I have made you. 

Clap. But your son — 

Ehen. Has comfortable quarters at home, where he 
belongs. You can inform him of my appearance here, 
and of the bargain I have made. Tell him to go home 
and amuse himself ; that I shall positively take up my 
quarters here at six o'clock. {Aside.) There's some- 
thing wrong here ; " a tender attachment," I'll be bound ; 



8 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

and I'm determined to find it out. (Aloud.) Good day, 
Mr. Claptrap. ^ [^Exit, r. 

Clap. Clapboard, sir — Now here's a nice mess ! 
What will Mr. Horace say to this, after he has got 
everything comfortably arranged for his purpose, to be 
flustered in this manner. It's too bad ! 

Enter Horace, r. 

Horace. I say, Clapboard, why don't you light up 
your stairs? I nearly tumbled over an old chap just 
now, who was going down. 

Clap. Old chap, indeed ! Do you know who it was? 

Hor. 'Haven't the least idea. 

Clap. Well, sir, it was your father. 

Hor. My father ? Whew ! Then the old gentleman 
has found me out ! 

Clap. He certainly has ; but he's laboring under a 
terrible mistake. Some one has sent him an anonymous 
note, bidding him look after you, for you had formed a 
tender attachment. 

Hor. A tender attachment? That's some mischief 
of the fellows at Jobson's. Well, what does he propose 
to do? 

Clap. He's engaged this room. 

Hor. Engaged this room? Why, Clapboard, it's 
mine — isn't it? 

Clap. Until six o'clock. If you'll remember, that 
was the time for which you took it. 

Hor. Byt I want it a week longer. 

Clap. You're too late. He's engaged it, and paid for 
it ; and will be here at six o'clock to take possession. 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 9 

Eor, Clapboard, you've played me a shabby trick ! 

Cla-p. I couldn't help it, sir ; he thrust the money into 
my hands ; said he was your legal guardian, and told me 
to send you home. 

Eor. I'll not go until my work is finished. Well, 
Clapboard, let him come ; his stay shall be short. 

Clap. What will you do ? 

Hor. That's a question for consideration. Six months 
ago my father and myself differed with regard to my 
choice of a profession. He wished me to be a lawyer. 
I determined to be a painter. He was immovable in his 
choice. I was stubborn and sullen in mine. By mutual 
consent we dropped the discussion, agreeing not to renew 
it for a year. I was at once filled with the desire to 
produce something that would induce him to agree with 
me, believing that if I could show that I had talent, he 
would let me have my way. I immediately threw my- 
self into the society of artists, and by that means gained 
an inkling of the rudiments of the profession, and I found 
I had some talent. Bat how to convince my father? I 
hit upon the idea of attempting a painting ; something 
remarkable — a great allegorical national picture, " The 
Crowning of Liberty," a magnificent idea! To carry it 
out, I required a studio and living modela. I read your 
advertisement of " Bachelors' Paradise ; " came down, 
engaged a room, fitted it up, and looked around for 
models. But,, alas ! it was indeed a '* bachelors' para- 
dise ! " Not a female figure within three miles ! Of 
course I was obliged to put up with the stock on hand ; 
and with a soldier, a sailor, a tinker, and a tailor, as the 
only models to be obtained, I have been obliged to draw 



10 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

upon fancy to an alarming extent ; and now it seems I 
am to be deprived of them by my meddling, inquisitive, 
good old daddy. 

Clap. It's too bad, Mr. Horace. I wish I could help 
yon out of the 'scrape. 

Hor. I wish you could. But as you can't, suppose 
you go and hunt up my models, and let me get to work. 
Gla-p. Certainly, sir ; I'll send them in at once. 

[Exit, R. 

(Horace takes off his coat and puts on breakfast 

jacket and smoking -cajp^ then goes off, l., and re- 

Jturns ivith an easel, -ivhich he sets up, l., then goes 

off, L., and brings in canvas, brushes, and palette; 

arranges the canvas on easel to face l., places 

chair l. 

Clap. \Outside, r., whil'e Horace is arranging his 

picture.) Hallo, down there, Tinpan ! 

Timothy. {Outside, as if down stairs.) Faith, now, 
what's wanting, sure? 

Clap. You're wanted here. 

Tim. All right. Be aisy, honey, till I mind the nose 
uv this tay-kittle. 

Clap. Hallo, Picket ! 

Picket, {^s if up stairs.) Yaw, mine fren. 
Clap. You're wanted in the studio. 
Pic. Yaw, dat ish goot. I'll come right avay pefore 
soon. 

Clap. Hallo, Oakum ! 

Oakum. {Upstairs.) Hallo, yerself ! 

Clap. Come down for a pose. 

Oak. Ay, ay. Clapboard ; in a jiffy. 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 11 

Gla'p. Hallo, Loopstitch ! 

Loopstitch. {In the distance.) Oui, oui, monsieur. 

Clap. You're wanted for a posish. 

Loop. Vat you mean by dat, eh? Vot you. call posish? 
I no comprehend. 

Clap. Well, come and find out. 

Hor. The naodels are aroused. Now for a season of 
inspiration ! 

Enter Picket, r., with a musket. 

Pic. Ah, Meester Horace, how you vas? Berty 
mooch? 

Hor. Ah, Picket, you're right on hand. 

Pic. Yaw, yaw ; I ish coomed right along, by donder, 
mit mine gun upon mine pack. 

Hor. Like a true hero, and with the martial spirit in- 
spiring your bosom — hey ? 

Pic. Yaw, I shpose vat you mean, but I don't know. 

Enter Oakum, r. 

Oak. Hallo! Heow are yeou anyheow? Goin' at 
the picter ag*in? 

Hor. Yes ; I believe I can make my brush fly this 
afternoon. 

Oak. Wal, yeou painter chaps dew beat all creation ; 
that's a fact. I s'pose yeou know what yeou're abaout ; 
but darn me if I can see into it. What's the use er wast- 
in' yer time a fliugin' away paint on that air diminutive 
quiltin'-frame. Would do more good ef yeou'd give old 
Clapboard's house a coat ; it wants it bad enough ! 



12 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 



Enter Loopstitch, r. 

Loop. Sacre ! vat for you want — hey ? I have break 
off mine thread right in de meedle of ze pantaloons. 

Hor. You remember our bargain. You were to be 
at my service when wanted. 

Loop. Service? Sacre, zis is too much all ze time. 
Monsieur Fusee have no pantaloons ; he make ze trou- 
ble, ze fuss ; he raise vat you call ze storm, if he no have 
ze pantaloons. 

Oah. Well, let him sweat, Frenchy. I'll lend him a 
pair. 

Enter Timothy, r. 

Tim. Arrah, b'ys, how are yees, onyhow? It's the 
tip uv the morning till yees, Misther Horace. 

Oak. Hallo, Tim! How's trade? 

Tim. Thrade, is it? Bad luck to its ! There's none 
at all at all. It's loike the nose of Paddy Flinn's pig — 
it's away down in the mud. 

Oak. Well, here's hoping that, like Paddy Flinn's 
pig, it may pick up a bit. 

Tim. That's thrue for ye, Misther Oakum. 

Hor. Now, then, let's to work. Tinpan, you and 
Loopstitch don your habiliments, and we'll go to work. 

Tim, Don — which is it? 

Loop. Sacre ! I no comprehend. 

Oak. Darn it, Tim, jump into the Goddess of Liber- 
ty's clos ; and, Loopstitch, put on that air gown of Vic- 
tory's. 

Tim. Begorra ! that's a sinsible way of putting things. 

\_Exit, L. 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 13 

Loojp. Victory ! Oui, oui ; I comprehend victory. 

\_Exit, L. 

Oak. Sich a set of darned stupid furriners I never 
did see. 

Fie. Yaw ; dey ish very hard of hearing, by donder ! 

Oak. Well, Picket, you managed to give us a pretty 
good scare last night, walking round with that old blun- 
derbuss ! Ef yeou ain't keerful, yeou'll let fly at some 
on us, and then there'll be a purty case of manslaughter. 

Pic. Yaw ; manslaughter ish goot. I like him mooch 
ven I fights mit Sigel. By donder ! I tink of dat ebery 
night in mine shleep, and I no shleep at all. 

Oak. Well, consarn yeour picter ! deon't yeou come 
up my way; if yer du, I'll souse yer head in a bucket 
of tar ! 

Fie. Yaw ; I no like dat purty well. 

iJn^er Timothy, L., dressed as the Goddess of Liberty ; 
red skirt, mail waist, blue drapery about slioidders. 

Tim. Begorra! how's that for a famale woman? 
What would Judy O'Flanagan say to that? Tim Tinpan 
in a red petticoat? Whoo ! kittles to mind, kittles to 
mind ! 

Enter Loopstitch, in a long white gown, with a green 
wreath in his hand. 

Loop. Sacre ! I feel all over like vat you call ze 
goost. 

Oak. And darn me if you don't look like one ! 

Loop. Vat you mean by dat — hey. Monsieur Oakum? 



14 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 



Hor. Come, now take your places. 

Tim. All right; away wid yees. {Takes 'position in 
centre of stage ; left hand against his breast, right hand 
pointing up.) 

Hor. That's right ; now Victory. (Loopstitch gets 
upon a stool behind Timothy, and holds ivreath over his 
head.) Very well. Now, then, for the army and navy. 
(Picket stands r. of Timothy, leaning upon his mus- 
ket ; Oakum stands l., his arms folded.) Good, 
good ! Positions are all right. Now, then, for the 
expressions. 

Tim. Hould on a minute ; there's something crawl- 
ing up my back. 

Hor. Never mind, never mind ! 

Tim. But I do mind. It's biting me, the ugly thief! 
Here, Frenchy, give me a dig in the bacls. 

Loop. Sacre ! vare vill I find vat you call de spade? 

Oak. Here; I'll fix you. (Gives Timothy a thump 
on the hack.) 

Tim. Murder and Irish ! you've broke my ribs ! 

Hor. Come, come, Tim ; put a smiling expression 
upon your face. 



Tim. 
back ! 
Hor. 
Tim. 
Hor. 
Loop 
Hor. 



Smile, is it, with a hornet crawling up my 



We're wasting time. Smile, I tell you. 
Well, then, here goes. (A horrible smile.) 
Now, Loopstitch, triumph in your face. 
Qui, oui. Vive la triomphe ! 
That's very good. Now, Picket, let a martial 
spirit glow in your face. 

Fie. Yaw, yaw. (Starts, r.) 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 15 

Hor. Where are you going? 

Pic. For miue lager, mit de spirit up stairs. 

Hor. No, no ; you don't understand me. Look as 
you looked when you met the rebels, fierce for the fight. 

Pic. Ven I fight mit Sigel ? 

Hor. Yes ; as you did then, do now. 

Pic. Yaw ; den I'll go right up stairs. 

Hor. What do you mean? 

Pic. Ven I fight mit Sigel, ven de repels coom, ve 
runned away. 

Oah. What a darned sneaking coward ! 

Tim. Easy, now, Mr. Horace ; my hand's getting 
tired. 

Hot. Let me see what I can do. {Goes to easel, and 
takes brush.) Now, steady, all. 

Tim. Och, murder ! the crayture's crawlmg up my 
back again ! 

Pic. I am ash dry ash never vas. 

Hor. Steady, steady ! 

Tim. Ow, my back ! Give me a dig, Frenchy. 

Oak. Confound you, I will ! {Hits Timothy in the 
stomach, who doubles up.)^ 

Tim. Ow, murther, murther ! {Backs into LooP- 
STITCH, who tumbles over. Timothy runs up and down 
stage howling.) 

Loop. Sacre ! you have broke me all to pieces. 

Hor. Order, order ! How do you suppose I can paint 
with such confusion ? You have spoiled everything. 

Tim. Faith, it's not myself that's to blame. 

Oak. Darn him ! he's got a nest of hornets under his 
jacket ! 



16 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

Hor. We can do nothing to-day. It*s now nearly six 
o'clock. An individual will be here at six to take pos- 
session of my room ; he has hired it, and I must vacate. 

Oak. What, hired the room over your head? 

Hor. Yes ; it's a little plot of my father's to get me 
home again. If he stays here, I must give up my paint- 
ing ; and of course you will be wanted no more as 
models. 

Loop. Sacre ! zat is too bad ! ver mooch too bad ! 

Tim. Faith ! must I lose my sitivation ? 

Ptc. Yaw ; we can't come here some more ! 

Hor. That's exactly the state of the case. Of course, 
as he's my father, it will not do for me to take any meas- 
ures to cause him to leave. With you it is different. If 
you can manage to make him sick of his bargain to- 
night, we shall resume operations to-morrow, as usual. 

Oalc. Darn him, we'll pitch him out of the winder ! 

Hor. No, no ; no violence ! 

Tim. No, b'ys ; no voilence. We'll break his head 
intirely ! That's all. 

Hor. He's very particular to have everything about 
him quiet. I offer no suggestions. If you can manage 
to scare him a little, I've no objections. 

Tim. Faith, lave us alone for that. 

Oalc. Come to my room, boys ; we'll fix the old skin- 
flint ! Come along. 

Tim. Yaw ; flint ish goot ven I fight mit Sigel. 

Oak. O, never mind SeagulL Come along. 

Loop. Sacre ! Vat you fix his flint with? I no com- 
prehend. 

Oak. I'll fix everything all right. Leave it to me. 
Come ^long. \_Exitj b. 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 17 

Tim. I'm wid yees. If there's to be a shindy, count 
me in. {^Exit, r. 

Loop. Monsieur, I be vat you call in ze dark ver 
much all oVer. 

Fie. Yaw, it pe all covered mit de dark like de moon- 
shine. [_Exit LooPSTiTCH and Picket, k. 

Hor. What a set of stupid donkeys ! If they* manage 
to circumvent my respected parent, I'll forgive them. 
{Exchanges jacket for coat, and puts on hat. Stage 
dark.) How dark it is ! 

Clap. (Outside, R.) You're very prompt, sir. 

Ehen. (Outside, R.) I am always prompt. Is the 
room ready? 

Clap. (Outside, -R.) Yes, sir ; walk this way. 

Hor. There he is, right on time. There's sure to be 
a rumpus, and I'm bound to see the fun. [_Exit, L. 

Enter Clapboard, with a lighted candle, which he places 
on table, followed by Ebenezer. 

Eben. Now> sir, I've caught you at your tricks ! 
Why, he's gone ! 

Clap. Why, you certainly didn't expect to find him 
here. 

Eben. 1 certainly did. Where is he ? 

Clap. He's probably at Jobson's, over the way. But 
he'll be back soon. He'll be delighted to see you. 

Ebe7i. Clapboard, you lie ! you know he won't. 

Clap. Come, come, Mr. Crotchet, don't insult a man 
in his own room. 

Eben. 'Tis false ! it's my room ; and you may take 
yourself out of it just as soon as you can ! 
2 



18 ' A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

Claip. You don't mean to stay here ! 

Ehen. Yes, I do. I've had another note from my 
unknown correspondent. The object of his tender at- 
tachment visits him every evening, and I'm bound to see 
her. 

Clap. O, pshaw, Mr. Crotchet! you've been hum- 
bugged !" 

Ehen. I know it ; but I'll be humbugged no longer ; 
so here I'll stay to unmask the hypocrite ! 

0?ap. Well, stay, then ; but if you're made uncom- 
fortable, don't blame me. 

Ehen. What do you mean? 

Clap. No matter ; I've cautioned you. Keep your 
eyes open, and don't blame me. Remember you have 
been cautioned. Good night. [_Exit, r. 

Ehen. Clapboard, Clapboard — What does he mean? 
Can there be any danger? I'm an old fool! What 
business have I down in this unfrequented place, all 
alone? I'll go back. No, I won't! Horace would 
laugh and chuckle ! He shan't do that ! Who's afraid? 
I'll make myself comfortable on that lounge ; and when 
he comes, he shall learn how terrible is the vengeance 
of an enraged and injured parent. {Reclines upon 
lounge. Noise overhead; jumps up.) What's that? 
It's that infernal soldier ! Clapboard said he walks in 
his sleep. Suppose he should come here — with a 
loaded musket too ! Gracious ! ( Tromhone heard out- 
side.) There's the tailor practising. What a confounded 
din! 

Oah. {Sings^ outside^ very loud.) " My bark is on the- 
sea." 



1 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 19 

Ehen. There's that sailor going it ! 

Tim. (Outside, sings.) " Ould kittles to mind ! Ould 
kittles to mind ! " 

Ehen, And there's the tinker. {Tromhone, " ould 
kittles,'' and '^ bark upon the sea" all together.) What 
a confounded din !• I wish I was well out of it. 

Enter Picket, with musket, slowly, on tiptoe.' 

Pic. Who goes dare? 

Ehen. O, heavens ! There's that insane old grena- 
dier ! What will become of me ? 

Pic. Sh — ! By donder, I see some noise ! Sh — ! 
Who goes dare ? Sh-^ ! Somepody mit a gun. Ad- 
vance, pefore you speak, and say something. Sh — ! 
( Creeps ahout the room on tiptoe.) 

Ehen. (On lounge.) If he discovers me, I am a lost 
man ! 

Pic. By donder, if dare ish nopody here, vy don't you 
speak? You vant your coat-tails shot through mit a 
pullet. (Creeps hack to door, r.) I fight mit Sigel. 
Sh — ! By donder ! I never hear so mooch silence pe- 
fore ! \_Exit, R. 

Ehen. He's gone. I breathe again. O, Lord, what's 
that? (LooPSTiTCH in the white rohe passes slowly across 
stage, from R. to l., with his arm outstretched, hand 
pointing straight hefore him. Exit, l.) An apparition ! 
What iufernal place have I got into? I'll go home at 
once. (Goes to r. The door is locked. Loopstitch, 
without the rohe, creeps in, L., and gets hehind lounge.) 

Loop. Sacre ! I vill give him a touch of my needles ! 

Ehen. What an old donkey I am, to get into such a 



20 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 



scrape ! What shall I do ? I can't get out. Suppose I 
alarm the neighborhood ! That won't do ; I should 
have the Avhole set upon me. I'll try to sleep. {Lies 
upon lounge. Loopstitch leans over and runs a needle 
into his arm.) O, murder ! What's that? Confound 
this infernal place ! (Loopstitch sticks another needle.) 
O, my arm, my arm ! (Jumps up.) I can't stand this ! 
Here ! Help, help, help, help ! 



Enter Oakum, r. Creeps in very mysteriously ; takes 
Ebenezer hy the ivrist, and leads him down to the front 
of the stage. 

Oak. Silence! Sh— ! 

Ehen. O, take me out of this ! I'm a poor old man. 

Oak. Silence ! Sh — ! Listen to me. You re- 
ceived a note from somebody — 

Ehen. Yes, I did. Confound somebody ! 

Oak. Silence ! Sh — ! " Tender attachment ! " It's 
all true, by jiminy ! 

Ehen. I knew it. 

Oak. Your son — has a tender attachment. The ob- 
ject of it is approaching. It will soon be here. 

Ehen. You don't say so ! 

Oak. Old man, you have a son ; that son has a ten- 
der attachment; the object of that tender attachment — 
sh — ! — will soon be here. 

Ehen. Confound you, you said that before ! 

Be wise, be cautious, and you shall triumph. 
It comes ! the — object — comes ! ( Creeps 



Oak. 
Silence ! 
off, R.) 

Ehen. 



Well, that's the queerest customer that ever I 



met. Hallo ! who's this ? 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 21 

Enter Timothy, dressed as the Goddess of Liberty^ with 
a veil thrown over his face. 

*Tis she, at last ! Now to unmask the villain ! 

Tim. Idol of me sowl ! 

Eben. Irish, as I'm alive ! 

Tim. Och, yees illigent darlint! and did yees think 
yer own Kathleen, accushla, would deny yees the comfort 
of her prisence ? 

Eben. So, madam, you are found out! Know, to 
your sorrow, that you stand in the presence of the father 
of the unhappy young man you came to meet ? 

Tim. It's the ould man— is it? Faith, ould chap, 
how is yes, onyhow? 

Eben. Insolent ! 

Tim. It's a foine-lookiug ould fellow yees are ; and 
is that yer own hair, or is it a wig, I'd like to know. 

Eben. Young woman, no more of this. I came to 
snatch my son from your society. 

Tim. My society ! Faix, yes might do better. It's 
a comfort I am to him anyhow. You would be afther 
'parting us at all at all ! 

Eben. Hold your tongue, and leave the room ! 

Tim. Hould yees blarney yerself, or I'll — I'll pull 
the hair from your head ! 

Eben. Leave this room, instantly, or I'll put you out! 

Tim. You put me out, is it? Begorra ! the sooner 
yees commince that same, the better's to the liking of 
Tim Tiupan. 

Eben. (Talcing hold of him.) Leave the room, I 
say! 



22 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

Tim. Off wid yees, or I'll break ivery bone in yees 
body ! 

Ehen. You will — will you? {Takes hold of him.) 

Tim. {Throws off veil.) Arrah, boys, here's a shin- 
dy ! Come on, old gint ! {Flourishes his fist.) 

Ehen. Here ! Help, help, help ! (Timothy clinches 
him.) Leave the room ! 

Enter Horace, l.. Oakum, Clapboard, and Picket, r. 
LooPSTiTCH crawls from behind lounge. 

Hor. Why, father ! what's the matter? 

Ehen. O, you villain ! you scamp ! you renegade ! 
You have come just in time to save your father from a 
terrible fate ! But I've found you out ! Your " tender 
attachment " is known to me. Look upon her ! Can 
you look upon your father's face, and confess a tender 
attachment to such a thing as that? 

Hor. Not a tender attachment, father ; but I will con- 
fess I am under great obligations to that individual, Tim- 
othy Tinpan, the tinker. 

Ehen. What ! is that woman a man ? • 

Tim. Troth, and a foine ould Irish gintleman ! 

Hor. Yes, father, he is one of my models. 

Tim. Faith, a model Irishman, by yer lave ! 

Ehen. Models ! What do you mean ? 

Hor. That I have been endeavoring to overcome your 
repugnance to my becoming a painter, by attempting the 
execution of a painting which you see upon that easel. 
These individuals have been my models. Timothy Tin- 
pan, the tinker. 



A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 23 

Tim. That's me, sure. 

JEor. Obed Oakum, the sailor. 

Oak. Ay, ay ; second mate of the Harriet Jones. 

Hor. Louis Loopstitch, the tailor. 

Loop. Oui, oui ; sal I make you a pair of pantalooas, 
monsieur ? 

ffor. And Peter Picket, the soldier. 

Fie, Yaw, dat ish me, mit my gun upon mine 
pack. 

Ehen. What, and the note I received — 

ffor. Is one of Harry Jones's jokes. He confessed it 
to me an hour ago. 

Ehen. Clapboard, we've been making donkeys of our- 
selves ! 

Clap. Speak for yourself, Mr. Crotchet, I can't join 
you in that. 

Eben. Horace, I'm a meddling old fool. I should 
have trusted you. I'll go home. You may go on with 
your picture ; and if out of the material which I find here 
you can produce anything satisfactory, I'll give my con- 
sent to anything you ask. 

Hor. Thank you, father. I'm rather discouraged at 
present ; but if these individuals can cure you of " a ten- 
der attachment," they may be of use to me ; and if they 
can help me to achieve my purpose, you will be obliged 
to admit that there are worse companions than a sol- 
dier — 

Pic. Yaw, what fight mit Sigel. 

Eor. A sailor — 

Oah. Tarnal cute, when his bark's on the sea. 

Hor. A tinker — 



24 A TENDER ATTACHMENT. 

Tim. A broth of a boy for minding the broken nose 
of a tay-kittle. 

Hot. And a tailor — 

Loo'p. Oui, oui; vith vat you call ze tender attach- 
ment for ze needle. 

Disposition of Characters at fall of the Curtain. 

R. L. 

Loop. Pick. 

Tim. Oak. 

Hob. Clap. 

Eben. 



r 



ijOOG<2^ao(^a>(jQ>eo(jQ/JO(joaaaQj(jaoaaQ(y:2jaa 



SPEITCER'S UNIVERSAL STAGE. 



36. 



38. 



T>iaiuond cut 1>iainond. An In- 

terliKle in One Act. By W. H. Mur- 
ray. 10 Male, 1 Female character. 

]L<ook after Brovi^ii. A Farce in 
One Act. By Georue A. Stuart, 
M. I), (i Male, 1 Female character. 

IHonseijs^neur. A Dr;ima in Three 
Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 
3 F"'emaie cliaracters. 

A very pleasant Evening. A 
Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 

3 Male characters. 
Brother Ben. A Farce in One 

Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 
Female characters. I 

Only a Clod. A Comic Drama in I 
One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, i ^„ 

1 Female character. 

Oaspardo the Cirondolier. A i 
Drama in Three Acts. By George 
Almar. 10 Malf , 2 Female charac- 
ters. I 

Suni^hine through the Clouds. 
A Drama in One Act. By Slingshy ''"'• 
Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female cliar- 
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I>on't Judge by Appearances. ' 

A Farce in One Act. B\ J. M. Mor- 
ton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

Nursey Chickweed. A Farce in ^^• 
One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 
Male, 2 Female characters. 

Mary Moo ; or. Which shall I ^^•^• 
Marry? A Farce in One Act. By 
W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female 
character. 64. 

East r<ynne. A Drama in Five 
Acts, s Male, 7 Female characters. 65. 

The Hidden Hand. A Drama in 
Five Acts. By Kob^rt Jones. 16 
Male, 7 Female characters. (56. 

Silverstone's Wager. A Commedi- 
etta in One Act. By K. R. Andrews. | 

4 Male, 3 F<;male characters. 67. 
Dora. A Pastoral Drama in Three 

Acts. By Charles Keade. 5 Male, 68. 

2 Female characters, 1 

Blanks and Prizes. A Farce in ' 69 

One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 

Male, 2 Female characters. 
Old Gooseberry. A Farce in One ' 70. 

Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 

2 Female characters. 



W^ho's IVho. A Farce in One Act. 
By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characters. 

Bouquet. A Farce in One Act. 2 
Male, 3 Female characters. 

The "Wife's Secret. A Play in 
Five Acts. By George W. I.ovell. 
10 Male, 2 Female characters. 

The Bahes in the Wood. A 

( omedy in Three Acts. By Tom 
Taylor. 10 Male, 3 Female charac- 
ters. 

Putkins : Heir to Castles in the 
Air. A Comic Drama in One Act. 
By W. K. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Fe- 
male characiers. 

An Fgly Customer. A Farce in 
One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 
3 Male, 2 Female characters. 

Blue and Cherry. A Comedy in 
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A I>oubtful Victory. A O medy 
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The Scarlet Zietter. A Drama in 

Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female char- 
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Which will have Him P A Vau- 
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Madam is Abed. A "Vaudeville in 
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ters. 

The Anonymous Kiss. A Vaude- 
ville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters. 

The Cleft Stick. A Comedy in 
Three Acts, 5 Male, 3 Female char- 
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A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, 
and a Tailor. A Farce in One 
Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters. 

«ive a I>og a Bad IVame. A 

F'arce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters. 

I>amon and Pythias. A Farce. 
6 Male, 4 Female characters. 

A Husband to Order. A Serio- 
Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 
3 Female characters. 

Payable on Bemand. A Domes- 
tic Drama in Tw(» Acts. 7 Male, 1 
Female character. 



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